Do You Have Unrealistic Expectations? Here’s What To Do

Have you ever felt like no matter how much you accomplish, it’s never enough? You continue striving forward, but it seems like the goalpost keeps moving and you can never feel fully satisfied with where you are in life. Part of this is the human condition we’re wired to want. Growth. But if you’re feeling anxious, pressured, worried, and constantly stressing yourself with your own expectations, it may be a signal that you’re placing unrealistic expectations on yourself.

Ones that harm your mental health more than they help. Even if those expectations move you forward, they often come at the expense of your wellbeing. In this episode, we’re going to talk about what it really means to hold unrealistic expectations, how they impact high achiever’s mental health, and whether we should lower, adjust or realign those expectations to preserve both your ambition and your peace of mind.

Welcome to Calmly Coping. I’m Tati Garcia, a licensed therapist and coach here to help high achievers stop overthinking and finally feel calm and confident from within. If that topic resonates with you, then please hit subscribe and let’s dive into the episode. As episode was inspired by a comment I received from a listener, could you give specific, actionable ways to lower my unrealistic expectations?

Excellent question. And first, let’s get started with what actually makes an expectation unrealistic. Put simply, it’s when the expectation is not reasonable to accomplish, whether it’s the degree of difficulty, the time constraint, or the current demands in your life. For example, let’s say you expect yourself to launch a podcast in the next two weeks.

Now, that’s technically possible, but unless you’ve already spent time planning, scripting, recording and prepping, this expectation can quickly become a source of pressure. And self-judgment. Another common example, you’re working on a tight deadline at your job, which already requires late hours, and you’re also trying to be present at every school function for your children.

Every extracurricular activity, cook dinner from scratch every day and still have enough time to unwind at night again. Not impossible, but the toll that it takes, mental overload, emotional exhaustion, and self-criticism when you inevitably fall short. In particular, one pattern tends to stand out when it comes to unrealistic expectations, and that is the more that you obsess over mistakes and try to avoid them at all costs, the more that you heighten your internal pressure.

Leaving less room for self-compassion and rest. So when we talk about unrealistic expectations, it’s not about saying that your goals are bad or wrong, it’s just saying that they may be misaligned with your actual capacity, circumstances, or values right now, and that misalignment is what wears you down.

Another reason our expectations become unrealistic is what I kind of alluded to before when it comes to time. We underestimate how long things take. This is a well-researched bias known as the planning fallacy, and it was first described by psychologist Daniel Kahneman and Ammos ky. And simply put, even when we’ve done something before, we still assume it’ll go faster or smoother this time.

Imagine expecting to finish your project by next Wednesday. Even if every prior one has taken two weeks or feeling frustrated because you misjudged how long dinner prep and your bedtime routine actually takes these overly optimistic timelines can ratchet up your stress and set you up to feel like you’re falling short.

So here’s a quick reflection. Think of something that you committed to this week. A work goal, a family event, or a personal task and reflect on how far off were you in estimating the time it would take if you were far off at all, if you did fall off on estimating, did missing your estimate. Impact how you felt about yourself.

Noticing this can help you to see how your mind might be planting unrealistic expectations, especially when you’re already stretching yourself across multiple roles and responsibilities. For high achievers, this pattern often shows up in certain ways, so this can look like setting perfection level targets, for instance.

To submit every work assignment error free and early. So often having that expectation that. Just the bare minimum is not enough. You need to go above and beyond constantly juggling a demanding job plus a full home life. Staying late at the office and still cooking, elaborate dinners, attending every school event, and squeezing in self-care, often leaving no margin for rest.

And of course, this is gonna depend on your life and circumstances. And the cost is that research consistently shows that perfectionistic striving, especially when tied to having rigid expectations, is linked to anxiety, depression, insomnia, migraines, and even mental health disorders like eating disorders and obsessive compulsive tendencies.

And in fact, research shows that high achievers. Including CEOs, professionals, and students, has significantly higher rates of depression and chronic stress compared to those who have more balanced standards. So it’s not about the work that you’re doing necessarily, but it’s often about the standards you hold for yourself and the way you think about those expectations.

So now let’s talk about some specific strategies to manage unrealistic expectations. And number one is related to time, but it’s to double the estimate. So doubling your time estimate, because like I mentioned before, we tend to underestimate how long tasks take because of that planning fallacy. So if you flipped it and you thought, okay, finishing this report will take four hours.

Then Plan four eight. This isn’t about being lazy. It’s actually about being realistic. It creates a margin and it helps you move forward without wearing yourself out. In my signature con, balance and Confident curriculum, I teach this specific approach to help high achievers build sustainable habits and protect their mental health.

It might seem like a small. Shift in how you’re thinking about and approaching things, but it can make a big difference in the long run. So if this resonates with you, take a second to think about something that’s on your to-do list this week, or even if it’s the task that you underestimated from the past week.

And ask yourself, what’s your time estimate? And what would it be like if you doubled it, and how would that shift your stress level or your energy? By giving yourself ample time, you can reduce pressure, and even if you finish early, you’ve given yourself breathing room and that feeling of spaciousness can help to reduce that stress and pressure you experience.

This can apply to, of course, internal deadlines, but also. External deadlines that are being set by others. If you can in any way try to set boundaries with what you’re taking on in order to account for doubling the amount of time you think something will need, then this can help to relieve your stress and actually help you to be more productive in the long run.

Strategy number two is to counter mental rigidity with self-compassion. Probably heard me mention this a million times when it comes to self-compassion. And unrealistic expectations are not just about time. They also come from mental pressure. And that perfectionism I was talking about, that rigid internal voice telling you that you’re not allowed to make mistakes, and this fuels anxiety and burnout and research from Kristen Neff and others shows that self-compassion reduces depression, anxiety, and enhances resilience, and you’ll perform better when you are kind to yourself.

So instead of responding to a mistake with, Ugh, I failed again, or, what’s wrong with me? Or I am such a loser, try to acknowledge this was hard and I’m learning. Remember that everyone stumbles and make mis makes mistakes and offer yourself. Some kindness asking yourself maybe what is it that I need right now?

Do I need a break? Do I need to just be kind to myself? So if you, you’re open to taking a moment for reflection. Maybe think about the last time you were hard on yourself for not meeting a goal or for making a mistake. And if you’re open to it, pause for a moment and ask, how would I speak to a friend in this situation?

How can I be kind and supportive to myself? This simple practice interrupts the must be perfect loop and gives you the freedom to grow without the fear of this harsh criticism or pressure that you’re continuing to put on yourself. Strategy number three are what I call recalibration check-ins. So here’s the truth that high achievers often resist.

Plans change life shifts and expectations need to move with them, not stay stuck in what we thought should have happened under ideal conditions. So recalibration means checking in and asking. Do these expectations still make sense? Given my current capacity or given my current circumstances? Just this past week, I had a lot of personal plans layered on top of a full workload.

I was ready to dive back in on Monday, but my mind and body were telling me a different story. I felt super unmotivated and for me that’s often a signal that I need rest. Not that I’m lazy or that there’s something wrong with me, it’s just my body and mind telling me. Alright, you need to take a step back for a second.

So I readjusted. I moved some things around on my calendar. Gave myself the space to rest and let go of what wasn’t urgent. So this kind of recalibration might look like taking a mental health day, shifting your responsibilities, asking for help or narrowing your focus to just the essentials. I’m constantly moving things around in my schedule.

Not because I’m lazy or I change my mind all the time, but because I’ve learned that I can’t always predict how I’ll feel, this doesn’t mean that I am acting purely on emotion and purely on how I’m feeling. I still have a level of consistency and predictability in my schedule and my routine. However, I am aware that my energy levels can shift and change depending upon how much I’ve worked and other variables, and I know that giving myself this permission to rest during these moments.

Helps me to show up stronger for my work. My loved ones and for myself, rigidity says I should be able to do it all anyway. Whereas Recalibration says what’s actually sustainable today? So here’s a point of reflection for this point, where in your life are you holding onto a should like. I should be able to do this in this amount of time.

I should be able to get this done, whatever this expectation is. And what would it look like to adjust instead of just pushing through? Because pushing through is actually what can contribute to and lead to burnout and negative mental health consequences. So flexibility is not failure. It’s actually self-awareness and action.

It’s giving yourself what you need so that you can keep going in a sustainable way. Strategy number four is to interrupt the spiral. Sometimes you’re already knee deep in it. You’ve set a goal, you’re pushing hard, and then suddenly you’re overwhelmed, anxious, and second guessing everything. This is where a pause and progress signal can change everything.

It’s a personal cue that reminds you to stop, take a breath and ask. What’s going on right now? What expectation am I holding and is this still helpful or is it hurting me to put it specifically? If you’re noticing that there’s a lot of stress and pressure that you’re experiencing, or you’re feeling a strong sense of urgency, or any other signs and signals that you could be holding onto unrealistic expectations or.

Putting shoulds on yourself. Then pause, stop, and take a step back, and that pause could be a five minute walk, a moment of deep breathing or simply stepping away from your screen or whatever it is that you’re doing. It’s not about quitting completely, but it’s about checking in before the spiral of unrealistic expectations and pushing yourself harder pulls you under.

So think of a time recently when stress might have come on quickly. Maybe you felt overwhelmed, frustrated, or frozen. These are signals. Think of how you could pause in those moments, taking a breath, stretching your body, stepping outside. For me, what often helps is going for a walk outside, feeling the sun on my skin and just recalibrating and taking a moment away from the stress and the pressure.

’cause the thing is, you don’t have to push through everything. Sometimes the strongest move you can take is stepping back. Checking in and then choosing how to move forward with more intention. Strategy number five is to focus on what you can control. So now I wanna talk about expectations. About outcomes, about how things should turn out.

So there can be expectations that we have for how things should be done. But now let’s talk about the expectations about. What should happen as a result of what we’re doing? So these are the goals that we tie to results that we can’t fully control, like how others will respond in situations, how quickly we’ll see results or whether or not everything goes to plan.

These expectations are tough because when reality doesn’t match what we have in our mind, we often blame ourselves. Even if we did everything we possibly could, and a helpful reframe in these moments is to focus on your input and not the outcome. You can control your effort, your mindset, and how you show up, not the result.

If you find yourself fixated on an outcome, ask yourself, what part of this can I actually influence? And can you shift your focus to how you show up? Rather than how it turns out or what other people think of it. Unrealistic expectations don’t just affect your productivity, they weigh on your mental and emotional wellbeing.

And the truth is, you can pursue your goals without pushing yourself to the brink. And oftentimes we can unconsciously think the opposite, that we have to be super hard on ourselves in order to achieve our goals. Today I covered five different strategies to help you start loosening the grip of those rigid expectations so you can move through life with more clarity, compassion, and balance.

If this episode resonated with you, then I invite you to sign up for my free training, achieve a calm mind, balanced life, and empowered confidence in 90 days. In this training, I’ll walk you through my full, calm balance and confident curriculum, which I mentioned earlier in this episode. And this is a step-by-step approach to helping high achieving professionals manage stress, set healthier boundaries, and reclaim their piece without losing their edge.

You can sign up now using the link in the show notes. Or by going to calmlycoping.com/workshop. And remember, you are not falling behind if you’re adjusting your expectations. That is actually where growth happens. That is a sign of awareness and that is how you move forward from a place of strength to help you to achieve.

Sustainable progress towards your goals rather than burnout, anxiety, depression, and other mental health struggles. While you wait for the next episode, I have other episodes about calming your mind, improving work-life balance, and feeling more confident from within. So be sure to check out these episodes here.

Thank you so much for tuning in today, and until next time, be calm.