The To-Do List Trap: Why You Can’t Relax

Have you ever told yourself, once I finish everything on my to-do list, then I’ll relax only to find that the list never actually ends? It’s like you’re chasing the finish line, but it keeps moving further away. And when you do finally pause, instead of feeling peace, you feel guilt like you haven’t earned your rest yet.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. In this episode, I’m going to help you break that cycle so you can stop waiting for permission to rest, and finally start honoring your needs without the guilt. Welcome to Calmly Coping, the podcast for high achievers who want to feel calm, balanced, and confident from within.

I’m Tati a therapist and coach, and I’m here to help you stop overthinking, stop overworking and crush self-doubt. Every other week, I share actionable tips and strategies you can implement right away to create more balance and ease in your life. Thanks so much for tuning in. Let’s get started. So first, let’s talk about what this looks like when you don’t allow yourself to relax until your to-do list is done.

So thinking I need to check everything off before I can relax. Finishing up with things, then realizing there’s something you forgot. Oh wait, I need to do that first. Hopping right into work first thing in the morning because of the sense of urgency to get things done immediately and never actually fully relaxing because when you do, you just feel guilty that you haven’t gotten everything done.

So let’s talk about why this happens. It could be the sense of satisfaction you get. That comes from getting things done, checking things off, that makes you feel productive, satisfied, and accomplished. So you keep seeking that out, or maybe you learn that work must be completed before fun. This is common when we’re kids.

You know, for example, maybe you needed to finish your school assignments or chores before going out to play. Or maybe you observe this behavior in your parents or caregivers where they were always getting chores and responsibilities done before relaxing. It could be the sense of pressure, guilt, or anxiety you feel when you haven’t gotten things done, and this is motivating you to get things done, to get rid of that feeling.

It can feel like it just continually piles up when all you’re seeking is a lasting sense of relief from getting things done. Maybe you’re equating your worth with productivity and checking things off a list so you feel like you’re not good enough until you get everything done or until you have some level of productivity.

And on the other hand, you can be hard on yourself and call yourself lazy when you don’t get things done or you don’t meet these unrealistic expectations you might have for yourself. You’re not alone if you feel like rest has to be earned. That’s exactly how I felt for years. I remember one specific Monday, this was back in 2016 when I had a holiday off from work.

I was still working for somebody else. I should have been relaxing, enjoying my time, but instead I spent the entire day feeling this low grade guilt and. Inner critical voice that I wasn’t doing enough, even though it was technically a day off. I kept thinking I should be catching up on emails, organizing something, or working on a project or cleaning, whatever the pressure to be productive, just.

Wouldn’t stop, and it was something that kept bothering me and beating me up that day stands out so clearly in my memory. I might’ve even talked about it before on this podcast because it was one of the first times I started noticing that voice in my head, the one that said You should air quotes, be doing more.

And at that time, I had just started practicing mindfulness. Noticing this was like shining a light on a part of myself that I hadn’t fully seen or recognized before. I realized how much of my identity was wrapped up in being productive and how hard I was being on myself without even realizing it. That moment was the beginning of my shift.

Out of high functioning anxiety, and it happened before I ever started my private practice, before calmly coping this podcast. It was just me starting to see that something needed to change, and maybe you are in that place right now. This is what ultimately led me to develop the tools that I now use with my clients and teach in my content because I’ve personally lived that cycle of guilt and pressure, and I know it doesn’t have to be your normal.

So I wanna share with you the rest method, a simple framework to help you shift from pressure and guilt to balance and intentional rest. So this method is REST. Spells out the word rest like you might’ve already guessed, rhyme, not intended. The R stands for reflecting on your beliefs and emotions. E establish boundaries.

S simplify your system and t what we are all ultimately seeking. Take intentional rest. Let’s talk about R first. Reflect on your beliefs and emotions. I. So identify what is keeping you stuck in this cycle? What were you taught about rest growing up, whether it was explicitly or implicitly through what you observed?

Was it something that was earned or something that was even allowed? I. Challenge those beliefs that you have about productivity and relaxation. So maybe asking yourself, why do you need to finish everything on your to-do list before you relax? And also identify the emotions you experience during moments that you feel the urge to check everything off.

Is it anxiety, guilts, fear, or stress? What emotions are driving this behavior? ’cause oftentimes emotions are pushing us forward into taking action. Are these emotions grounded in evidence? What I mean by this is emotions are always valid, but they’re not always reflective of the evidence in a situation.

So maybe you feel anxious or guilty, but is there actually a reason for you to feel anxious or guilty? Are you doing wrong? Is the world gonna fall apart if you don’t get these things done? Oftentimes these emotions are an exaggeration of what could actually go wrong rather than reflective of reality.

So the E is for established boundaries. This is identifying your limits and sticking to them mentally, emotionally, and energetically asking yourself, how many tasks can you complete in a day? Many times we don’t even ask ourselves these questions and just. Go through the motions without reflecting on what our capacity is.

Maybe how much time do you have for admin work versus deeper work, or what is your energy or mental limit for meetings, phone calls, solo work, or any other type of tasks or responsibilities you have? These are the questions that many of us don’t ask, maybe because we don’t feel we have the right to, or.

We don’t even think about it. We’re just being swept up in the day-to-day of getting as much done as humanly possible. Seeing ourselves as machines of checking things off rather than actual people. But we all have limits as to how much we can do. Not just physically, but mentally. And so maybe you feel drained after certain types of tasks, the ones that you maybe have to do and energized after other types of tasks.

So this is about honoring your capacity without overloading your day. So creating a boundary plan for yourself with your limits, depending upon your work and expectations. A simple way to do this is to begin by doing a time audit, and this is basically getting a sense of what you’re already doing. So over a day or a week, keep track of how you’re spending your time and where it’s going, what’s working, and then identify what needs to change.

This is a constant iteration process. This isn’t necessarily going to be something that you’re going to just identify once and then be done forever. Things change. Our needs change over time. Our responsibilities change over time. It’s not about constantly changing things, but it’s about tweaking here and there.

Finding an idea of what your limits and boundaries are, and seeing how you can adjust and refine things. In addition, it’s not about constantly trying to improve things because that in and of itself can get us stuck in this high achievement trap of feeling like things are never good enough. But it’s about an experimentation process of listening to yourself, listening to your body, and acknowledging and recognizing the capacities that we all have.

If you have a job where you feel like it’s challenging to set boundaries, I did a podcast episode on how to set boundaries with work that you can check out that I think will be helpful for you whether you work for somebody else. Or you’re self-employed. Next s is to simplify your system. Now you might be thinking, what system?

Well, this is your system for planning things out. So this is getting organized, categorizing, prioritizing, because having a clear plan can create a sense of certainty, and this can ease feelings of anxiety and increase a sense of confidence. This is also a way to set boundaries. Rather than a million Post-it notes all over the place, tons of separate notes on your phone and a never ending document of tasks that you just keep perpetually adding to with no end in sight.

Organize your to-dos in a way that reduces overwhelm and increases clarity. So this is about finding a system that you can stick to that will help reduce uncertainty and in the moment decision making. I teach this in my signature, calm, balanced, and confident course. So my favorite tools to use are Todoist and Notion, and this isn’t about just using what I’m using, but finding what works best for you.

I use Todoist for daily tasks and accountability because. You can only see one day at a time and filter out tasks by date, priority, and other things. And I find this really helpful because it relieves the mental pressure of a never ending to-do list. You’re only seeing what the priority or the focus is for now notion I find helpful for more detail info.

So this is where I create my podcast outlines. I track my business metrics and goals. I collaborate with my virtual assistant and so much more. As the author James Clear says, who is the author of the book, atomic Habits, you do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your system.

Setting these systems up is what people often resist because it requires more upfront. Time and effort. However, this is time you are saving in the long run and taking back for yourself. And not just time, but like I mentioned before, energy, your mental capacity to be present for yourself, for your work, and for the things that people you love.

And this effectively stops your to-do list from running your life and puts you back in the driver’s seat. So how would it feel to stop? Chasing productivity and start building a system that supports peace. This is something that’s available to you and it’s all about finding what works best for you. And we come to Tea.

Take Intentional Rest. This is about giving yourself permission to fully rest. Set the to-do list to the side. Remind yourself it will never be fully done. There will always be more that you can add, and ultimately done is not a destination. It’s a mindset that you can create because you can always come up with more things to do, but it’s up to you to be okay with good enough schedule, rest the same way that you schedule work because it matters.

So set aside time for. Your morning routine, evening routine, or other intentional moments throughout your day. You don’t have to be rigid or super specific. Just allow yourself the time and space to do what you enjoy without the pressure of checking things off of a list. And it can help to identify what kind of rest you need.

So maybe it’s more active rest, like walking. Exercise, gardening, hiking, or active hobbies, or maybe it’s passive rest, like reading a book, watching tv, journaling, meditation, or any other passive hobbies. Ask yourself in the moment, and this can change. What kind of rest is your mind or body craving right now?

And stay posted for the next episode because I will be having a special guest on to talk about the different types of rest, and it’s a super powerful episode that I think you will find helpful if you are checking out this episode. And if you wanna help to create a system that supports common balance, I walk you through the exact steps in my free three day course.

How to calm your mind so you can finally relax even when you have a million things to do. You can find this free course by going to calmlycoping.com/relax or clicking on the link in the description. Remember, you don’t have to earn rest and relaxation. You don’t have to check everything off your to-do list to feel like it’s acceptable to do nothing or to do what you enjoy.

Your life is about more. Than getting things done, and you are more than what you get done. Your life is the moments in between the sunlight streaming into your window in the morning as you greet a new day, the exchanges of laughter and smile between you and your loved ones. The moments where you can just be without the expectation to prove your value to yourself or to anyone else.

If you found this episode helpful, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Please leave me a comment if you’re watching on YouTube or listening on Spotify, letting me know what you found helpful and how you will take the steps to let go of your to-do list, and finally start relaxing while you wait for the next episode.

I have other episodes about calming your mind, improving work-life balance, and feeling more confident from within. Thank you so much for tuning in today, and until next time, be calm. Thanks so much for listening. If you like what you heard, please share this episode with a friend and please subscribe and leave me a review on iTunes.

Also remember to check me out online at calmlycoping.com and connect with me on Instagram @tatianaglpc. All content here is for informational purposes only. This content does not replace the professional judgment of your own mental health provider. Please consult a licensed mental health professional for all individual questions and issues.

Till next time, I’m Tati, and this has been Calmly Coping.