How to Overcome the Fear of Disappointing Others

Do you feel guilty setting boundaries? Worry about upsetting others when you say no. If the fear of disappointing people is driving your decisions even at the expense of your own wellbeing, this episode is for you. You’ll learn where this fear comes from, why it’s so hard to let go of. How you can start shifting out of people pleasing so you can take care of yourself without guilt.

I’m sharing practical tools and real life insights to help you feel more confident saying no and putting yourself first.

Welcome to Calmly Coping. I’m Tati Garcia, a licensed therapist and coach here to help high achievers stop overthinking and finally feel calm and confident. If that’s what you need, then hit subscribe. Let’s dive into the episode. Have you ever said yes to something even when you were exhausted, just because you didn’t want to let someone down?

Maybe you’ve answered a late night email, even though you promised yourself that you’d log off. Or you agreed to help someone when your plate was already overflowing and you just knew you couldn’t take anything more on, you’re not alone. I hear this from clients all the time. The pressure to push harder, to please more and to avoid that sinking feeling that someone might be unhappy with you, but this fear of disappointing others is a pattern you’ve learned.

Often from a young age, and the good news is it’s something that you can unlearn, so that you can begin respecting your own needs and stop letting fear make your decisions for you. Here’s how the fear of disappointing others and people pleasing are related. So the fear of disappointing others is the feeling, the emotional discomfort or anxiety that shows up when you imagine letting someone down.

People pleasing is the response. It’s the pattern of behaviors you might engage in to avoid. That feeling that comes up, it could be saying yes when you want to say no. Taking on extra work to avoid judgment or constantly seeking reassurance. Next, let’s talk about why you feel responsible for everyone else’s happiness, and maybe even at the expense of your own.

The fear of disappointing others often starts early. Childhood. It can stem from experiences where love or safety felt conditional. So maybe you grew up in a chaotic or unpredictable home where you had to stay hyper aware of everyone else’s needs to avoid conflict. Or maybe you were praised and valued when you were helpful or emotionally available and criticized or ignored when you weren’t.

This can happen in households where parents are potentially abusive or neglectful. However, those are not the only circumstances where these kinds of patterns emerge. It can be that maybe you didn’t experience trauma, however you still felt as though you needed to please a parent or a sibling or another caregiver in some way, and do that in order to earn their praise or avoid negative outcomes.

And over time these patterns send a powerful message that you are worth. Is tied to how useful you are to others, that keeping people happy is the way to stay safe, accepted, or loved, or all of three. I’ll think of a client that I’ll call Pedro. He was always the first to step up, whether it was helping a friend in crisis or volunteering for extra tasks at work.

On the outside, he looked dependable and generous. But underneath Pedro was running on fear. He worried that if he didn’t show up for everyone, then people would see him as unhelpful or even reject him altogether, as though his relationships depended on what he could do for others. And the cost was that he was constantly exhausted, battling resentment and creeping closer and closer towards burnout.

And he could feel that this pattern was hurting him, but the fear of disappointing others felt bigger than making changes and taking care of, and listening to his own wellbeing. And that’s the trap that many of us can fall into. We can equate disappointing others with being bad, selfish, or unworthy.

Instead of seeing it as a natural and necessary part of living a healthy and balanced life, because it’s impossible to please everybody. What you might not realize is that people pleasing can actually be a part of your nervous system’s automatic survival strategy. This is called the Fawn response, and it’s one of the ways that we learn to stay safe in environments that felt emotionally unpredictable or unsafe.

While you may have heard of fight, flight, or freeze. Fawn is another response, and that’s when we cope by appeasing others, trying to keep them happy, avoid conflict, and stay emotionally connected at all costs. And it’s something you may have learned as a child, especially if saying no or expressing your needs felt unsafe or led to even punishment or withdrawal from a caregiver.

So if you find yourself. Constantly putting others first and feeling anxious about letting people down. That’s not a character flaw. It’s most likely a pattern that your body learned to help you survive, and now you have the opportunity to learn a new way that also includes you in the equation. Let’s talk about how to start letting go of people pleasing.

So overcoming the fear of disappointing others doesn’t mean that you stop caring. It means that you start including yourself. In the equation, not just focusing on other people’s needs. The first mindset shift is this something I just mentioned. You can’t make everyone happy, and your worth is not based on other people’s approval.

That urge to please may have once helped you survive in an unpredictable or emotionally unsafe environment, but now it’s likely holding you back from living with balance. Clarity and self-respect. And again, even if it wasn’t an unsafe environment, you may have learned this to get forward in life, to maintain certain friendships, and it’s something that could have helped you in the past, but is no longer helping you in the present.

So how do you begin to recognize this fear of disappointing others in the moment when it happens, especially if this. Is a response that is so automatic. You may not even be consciously thinking about it because it is this survival response. It’s something that has been ingrained very deeply from a young age, potentially.

So what you can do is tune into your body. There’s often a somatic or physical difference between a true yes and a fear-based. Yes, A genuine yes tends to feel light, open, or energized. Whereas a yes that’s driven by guilt or obligation can often show up as tightness in your chest, a sinking feeling in your stomach, or an inner sense of dread.

And this can help you to determine are you saying yes because you want to and because you want to help this person, which helping other people is excellent, and that is such an important part of being human. And. Connecting with others. However, if we’re in this place of people pleasing and doing it at the expense of ourselves, then sometimes the feelings or the sensations that are telling you maybe this is a no, could be a sign that you also need to tune into how you are feeling and what your needs are.

And it can also help to pay attention to the stories in your head as well. So you might have thoughts like, if I don’t do this, then they’ll be upset with me, or what if they think that I’m a bad friend or sibling or parent or colleague? The thing is that these are fear driven thoughts. And not facts. So you can start small when it comes to making these behavioral changes.

So practice pausing after a request, knowing that you don’t have to give an answer right away. Giving yourself space to check in and also try saying no in lower stakes situations like turning down a non-urgent favor or choosing to skip an extra task that’s been asked from you when you’re already stretched thin.

So for example, maybe you don’t pick up coffee for a coworker when you’re already racing to meet a deadline, or you say no to helping a friend move because your weekend is the only chance to decompress, and you’ve been feeling really overwhelmed recently. These small moments matter and they help to build resilience and make that muscle of saying no, become stronger.

And yes, it’s going to feel uncomfortable at first. That’s part of the process. It’s not a sign that you’re doing something wrong. It’s actually a sign that you’re doing something new and that is outside of your comfort zone. So it’s going to feel unfamiliar for you. The more you practice taking these small steps, the more you will build the muscle of saying no and setting boundaries, and the easier it will become over time.

However, the more that you practice saying no and listening to your own needs, then the easier it will be to notice those thoughts and not listen to them, not believe them. They will tend to become quieter over time. The more consistent you are with noticing them. Challenging them and changing your behavior.

And remember that prioritizing your needs is not selfish. It’s essential. It’s how you take care of yourself, how you stay present, and how you show up more meaningfully in your relationships so you’re not just what you give to others, but you are worthy even when you’re resting. And. Even when you say no, and I want to invite you to reflect for a moment, whether it’s right now, or maybe you want to make a note to come back to this after you finish this episode.

So reflect on when was the last time you said yes. Just to avoid disappointing someone I. What was going on in your body and what were you afraid might happen if you said no? Sometimes we don’t even realize how often we’re acting from guilt or fear because it’s become automatic. But by bringing more awareness to these moments, we can then begin to choose something different.

So try journaling on this question later today. What am I afraid will happen if I disappoint someone? Dive into that and write without judgment. Just notice what comes up, whether it’s rejection, criticism, or the fear of being seen as selfish. So that awareness is the first step towards changing that pattern.

If this episode resonated with you and you’re ready to go deeper and understanding and healing the roots of your anxiety, I invite you to check out my course. Get to the root of your anxiety. It’s a self-paced therapist created program that helps you uncover how your upbringing, past experiences, and thought patterns have shaped your anxiety and teaches you how to shift those patterns so you can feel calmer and more in control.

And as a thank you for listening to the podcast, you get $10 off the course with the code Podcast10. Just head to calmlycoping.com/root and enter the code at checkout. You can also find the link in the description for this episode. And if this episode helped you, then consider sharing it with a friend or loved one who also struggles with people pleasing or anxiety.

You never know who might need to hear this message today. And while you wait for next week’s episode, I have other episodes about calming your mind, improving work-life balance, and feeling more confident from within. So you can check out these episodes here. Thank you so much for tuning in today, and until next time, be calm.