Demand Sensitivity: Why You Feel Constant Pressure

If you’ve ever felt like your to-do list keeps growing, even when no one is actually asking anything of you, like everything somehow turns into a demand the moment it enters your awareness. This episode is for you. We’re going to talk about something called demand sensitivity. Why pressure can feel so intense, and how to start shifting out of should mode so your life feels lighter and more intentional.
Welcome to Calmly Coping. I’m Tati Garcia, a licensed therapist and coach here to help high achievers stop overthinking and finally feel calm and confident. If that’s what you need, then hit subscribe. Let’s dive into the episode. This book I was reading a while ago had to be enough by Ellen Hendriksen had one line that completely stopped me.
She described something called demand sensitivity, and I remember thinking that explains why so many of us feel like we’re constantly under pressure. How many times a day do you catch yourself saying I should. I should exercise. I should call my parents. I should be more productive. The shoulds of life can feel endless, like an invisible list of demands We never actually signed up for.
Demand sensitivity can make it feel like things are continually getting added to your to-do list, even if they technically aren’t. It means being highly sensitive to perceived requests. Or demands from others or from yourself. It’s when a text that says, call me when you get a chance, feels like something you have to do right now.
Or someone casually says You should watch that show and somehow it ends up on your mental to-do list even when no one is asking anything of us, our own mind. Take over the job. And when you have unrealistic expectations, these demands can feel never ending and insurmountable. Creating this endless rush of internal pressure that feels like it never ends.
And be sure to check out my episode on whether or not you have unrealistic expectations at the link in the description or in the corner if you’re watching on YouTube. This demand sensitivity would happen for me in one of my first real jobs out of college. I worked at a nonprofit helping clients with getting employment, and anytime a colleague would have a computer issue, because I’m good with technology, I would immediately volunteer to help.
I wanted to be the helpful person, and I unofficially became the department IT person because even when I did an offer to help, it started to become expected of me. So demand sensitivity can result in increased expectations from others. Even if you weren’t intending for that to happen. So let’s talk about why this happens.
It’s often seen in people who like to do things well, people who are reliable, responsible, and caring. Maybe you consider yourself a high achiever. A caring person or to have a type A personality, however you identify yourself. These are often seen as positive qualities to have, but those strengths can go into overdrive.
We start taking on not only our own expectations, but everyone else’s too. And that’s when should starts to run the show. And it feels like we are inside a pressure cooker that’s about to burst at the seams. Here’s the impact, instead of guiding us, demand sensitivity pressures us and feels like a weight and even a burden.
This can result in feeling overwhelmed and feelings of anxiety, avoidance and procrastination. But then you avoid the thing and you start feeling guilty for not doing it, even though you added this thing to your to-do list in the first place. So then you get stuck in this cycle of never feeling like you’ve done enough, never feeling like you fully earned your rest.
And feeling overwhelmed and frustrated at the same time. And over time, this creates a constant sense of internal pressure, urgency, and overwhelm, even when nothing is actually being demanded of you in that moment. Now, the other side of the coin is what’s called demand resistance. It’s quote like having an inner voice that always wants to avoid something when someone asks you to do something or when you need to follow rules, end quote.
And this is more about resisting control. Quote, the roots of demand resistance are often traced back to childhood experiences. It can start as a defense mechanism against overly strict parents or situations where you feel controlled or lack autonomy. End quote, and maybe both can resonate depending on the situation.
I know that for myself, demand sensitivity can actually turn. Into demand resistance. Maybe I take so much on my plate and then I get to a place of overwhelm and resentment. So I wanna say no to everything. I just wanna let go of responsibility and expectation and feel a sense of control over my time and energy, even though it’s perfectly possible that I’ve gotten myself into this place to begin with.
The same way demand resistance can be rooted in childhood, so can demand sensitivity. Maybe it results from observing your parents. Always being busy, constantly working, taking care of the home, helping family members, and taking on more. So you unconsciously internalize the idea that this is what you do as an adult.
You say yes and you take things on and that’s it. Maybe it results from the fear or guilt that comes up. If you aren’t taking on more. Maybe you were punished for saying no to doing your chores or on the other side of the coin you were praised for doing it all, being a good student, engaging in all the extracurriculars, et cetera.
Demand sensitivity can also be rooted in a lack of boundaries or what’s known as codependency, which is dependence on the needs of or on control by another. Maybe you struggle with discerning what is yours to take on, so you take on all the emotions and stressors of others. You may be a people pleaser and want to avoid conflict at all costs, or you may have experienced an unhealthy dynamic in your past, in which you’ve focused more on approval from others and ignored your own needs.
You could be doing this to be liked by others. Or to avoid judgment or negative consequences. But the reality is you can’t please everyone and that’s more than, okay. So let’s talk about how to start shifting out of demand sensitivity. There can be many different degrees of demand sensitivity. So here are the tips I recommend for shifting it.
Regardless of how intense it is for you. Number one is to notice the patterns. Always start with awareness because you cannot change what you aren’t aware of. Practices like mindfulness, meditation, journaling, therapy, and coaching can help you recognize the moments you take on more mentally or task wise than you’d like.
Notice moments where somebody says, I can’t figure this out, and you immediately offer up, I can help. Even when you really don’t want to, or moments where you are listening to a podcast and immediately adding more onto your list to do than you want to or can handle, also keep an eye out for shoulds.
Those are often those demand sensitivity. Tasks showing up in disguise two is to let go of the mental weight. This is a practice and really an internal mindset shift. Imagine there’s a light switch on your head that is flipped to on this, turns on the mental weight demands and pressure you unconsciously take on.
Imagine what it would feel like to switch it off. Dropping the heavy bags you didn’t even realize you were carrying, shedding the layers of trying to solve things for others or throwing your to-do list in the trash. Whatever visual works for you, pick one and practice it when you catch yourself in the aforementioned patterns.
And this can help you mentally flip the switch of letting go of the extra demands and mental weight you’ve been unnecessarily carrying. Number three is to shift the behavior. Start setting boundaries and saying no even to yourself. Now that you’ve made an internal shift, it’s time to make a behavioral shift.
Say no, don’t offer your help if you don’t want to or aren’t able to. And communicate boundaries such as, I’m sorry, but I can’t help you right now and give yourself. Permission to say no to adding more tasks and responsibilities to your to-do list. Four is to be more intentional about helping. Another shift is not offering to help unless you’re asked, unless you truly have the capacity to do so, or it’s a strong desire.
Not doing it because you feel like you should because it feels like an obligation or something you feel forced to do. So questioning and being more intentional about those choices can help in the future. Five is to accept good enough. Good enough is all there is. Perfection doesn’t exist. You will never be able to help everybody all the time, and if you do, you won’t be able to do it endlessly without consequences to your own needs, such as feeling burnt out.
Anxious, overwhelmed, depressed, et cetera. Practice self-compassion and let yourself know that you don’t need to do it all. Be everything to everyone and be endlessly helpful to be enough. Six is to recognize all that you are doing, which I’m sure is more than enough, rather than fixating on doing more and all that you aren’t doing.
Recognize all that you are doing. And more so recognize all that you are. You’re not defined by how much you do or by what you do for others. You are defined by who you are, the type of person you are, your values, how you treat others, your interests, and yes, your relationship to others. But the point isn’t to never help others.
This is for the people who are on the end of the spectrum where they’re doing way more than is necessary or than they can handle. If that’s you. I can bet that you are doing so much more than you give yourself credit for. So start flexing the muscle of giving yourself credit mentally. Patting yourself on the back when you do get something done, rather than shaming yourself for not doing enough.
Whatever that means. I know I gave numerous tips here, but the thing is you don’t have to change this all at once. Even starting to notice where should is driving your choices is already a shift. Even noticing where you’re unconsciously taking something on and then recognizing that moment is a huge shift and sometimes the best thing you can do.
Is to stop turning your life into a list of demands and start living it from a place of choice. Not pressure. If you’re feeling weighed down by constant internal pressure. I created a short reflection called from pressure to ease to help you understand what’s keeping you stuck in pressure mode and begin softening it without dropping the ball.
This is completely free. You can find the link in the show notes or by going to calmlycoping.com/pressure if you’re ready to go deeper. And if nothing else, I encourage you to take this with you. You are allowed to care deeply without letting pressure and demands run your life. And next week I will be continuing with this theme of pressure.
So be sure to subscribe so that you’ll be notified when that episode comes out. While you wait for next week’s episode, I have other episodes about calming your mind, improving work-life balance, and feeling more confident from within. So be sure to check out these episodes here. Thank you so much for tuning in today.
Until next time, be calm.