Calm Doesn’t Come from Control, It Comes from Acceptance

We often can believe that if we can just control things, our environment, maybe even other people or the outcome in situations, then we’ll finally feel calm. But what if the opposite is true? In this episode, I share how a daily source of frustration for me transformed completely when I chose acceptance over control.

And you’ll learn how this mindset shift can improve emotion regulation. Reduce anxiety and help you navigate life with more ease, especially if you’re a high achiever who often gets caught up in shoulds and expectations.

Welcome to Calmly Coping. I’m Tati Garcia, a licensed therapist and coach here to help high achievers stop overthinking and finally feel calm and confident. If that’s what you need, then hit subscribe. Let’s dive into the episode. Have you ever found yourself completely tense, frustrated, and spiraling, all because something didn’t go the way you thought it should?

For me, it used to happen every time I approached a particular intersection where no one ever yielded. This might sound like a small example. I would feel anxious before I ever got there. And when someone cut me off, I’d be laying on the horn, stuck in anger, pissed off. But one day recently, something small shifted.

I chose acceptance over control and everything changed. It might seem minor, but it’s not because the intersection changed. It’s because. I chose to change, and in today’s episode we’re talking about how accepting reality instead of resisting it, is one of the most powerful things that you can do to regulate your emotions and find peace in your everyday life, even if you are not happy with how things are.

So let me briefly take you back to that intersection. So it was actually a highway where people were merging on and they’re supposed to yield, and I used to approach it with a knot in my stomach. I’d be rehearsing the worst case scenario in my mind. What if somebody cuts me off again, which has happened many times.

I felt tense, frustrated, and on high alert, and when someone didn’t yield. More than half the time this happened, it would push me over the edge. Sometimes I’d to lay on the horn, not out of necessity because it had already happened, but out of this urge to teach them that they were wrong to express my frustration at the injustice of the situation.

But really, I was the one who was suffering in this moment. I was the one feeling angry and frustrated and as though I needed to teach this person a lesson, but the thing had already happened and. I couldn’t change what that person had done. And then one day when I was approaching this intersection, I had this thought, this epiphany.

What if I just accepted that this is what people do here? Not in a resigned or bitter way, but in a grounded and mindful way. Like this is probably going to happen. I don’t need to like it, but I don’t have to fight it either. That simple shift in perspective changed everything. The tension, the anxiety, the anger, it all faded because I stopped trying to control something that was never in my control to begin with.

And this wasn’t just about traffic. That intersection was a mirror showing me how often I was. Fighting against reality in other areas of my life too. So here’s the thing, acceptance isn’t about giving up or rolling over. It’s about facing reality as it is, so you can respond with clarity instead of with reactivity.

One of the biggest blocks to acceptance, especially for high achievers or those with high functioning anxiety. Is the constant internal narrative of how things should have gone. I call it the Judge Judy Loop. I have been watching Judge Judy a lot recently, and if you’ve ever watched her, she’ll often call out people for getting stuck in coulda, woulda, shoulda.

So if they say like, oh, it should have happened this way, or I could have done this, should be like coulda, woulda, shoulda have. In her Judge Judy voice, so maybe you show up late to a meeting because of traffic and instead of accepting the moment your brain might spin with, I should have left earlier.

They’re going to think I’m unprofessional. This always happens to me. Or maybe you didn’t get recognized at work for a big project and your mind immediately jumps to, they should have acknowledged my effort. Why do I even try so hard? This kind of thinking doesn’t solve the problem. It just prolongs your own suffering.

So I wanna share three steps to acceptance for improved emotion regulation. So here’s what helps. Instead. First, pause and name what’s happening. When you notice that Judge Judy voice calling you out in coulda, woulda shoulda, pause, take a breath and say to yourself. I’m struggling with wanting things to be different than they are or than they were naming.

It actually creates a moment of mindfulness. You’ve become aware, and it gives you the power to choose a different response. So once you have named it, then step two is to ask yourself. What’s in my control right now. You can’t change the traffic. You can’t change how your boss responds, but you can change how you relate to the situation.

Ask yourself, what do I want to do next? How do I want to show up in this moment? Regardless of the outcome, and many times this can be easier said than done, especially when much of your life has consisted of these previous shoulda, woulda could have responses, and that’s okay. This takes practice. And that brings us to step three, which is to practice the, this is what’s happening right now phrase, it’s simple but powerful. When you notice yourself spiraling, feeling frustrated, feeling anxious or overwhelmed, try saying, this is what’s happening right now. I don’t have to like it, but I can accept it. This helps you shift. Out of resistance and into presence, which is where emotional regulation starts.

Here’s a quick example that might sound familiar if you’re a high achiever. A client I worked with was constantly frustrated by last minute changes at work. I. She had a plan for her day, and when meetings got moved or coworkers didn’t follow through, she’d spiral. She would feel anxious, irritated, and stuck thinking this isn’t how it was supposed to go.

We worked on her practicing acceptance by building flexibility into her mindset. She began starting each day with the affirmation. Plans can change and I can adapt. She practiced breathing through the urge to react when things shifted and instead paused to ask what’s needed from me right now, or what can I do right now?

Over time, she became less reactive, more grounded, and actually felt more in control. Because she wasn’t wasting energy, fighting the unexpected, finding the things that had already happened that she couldn’t change. So much of our emotional suffering and struggles don’t come from what happens. It comes from our resistance to what’s happening.

And when we can let go of that resistance, even just a little, we create space for calm, clarity, and emotional resilience. So your action step for this week is to try noticing one moment where you catch yourself thinking, this shouldn’t be happening. It shouldn’t have gone this way. I could have done it that way.

What if this happened instead? Whenever those coulda, woulda, shoulda, show up, pause, take a breath. And then say to yourself, this is what’s happening right now. I don’t have to like it, but I can accept it and let that be your experiment. I. Notice how your body responds, how your mood shifts, if at all, and what becomes possible when you stop fighting reality.

And if you’re someone who often feels overwhelmed and maybe has rigid plans, high expectations, or feels anxious a lot of the time, then you might be dealing with high functioning anxiety. I created a quick quiz to help you understand the signs and what you can do about it. You can find the link in the show notes or by going to hfaquiz.com.

While you wait for next week’s episode, I have other episodes about calming your mind, improving work-life balance, and feeling more confident from within. So be sure to check out these episodes here. Thank you so much for tuning in today, and until next time, be calm.